Written by How would you take this?
So I have been very close friends with this guy we will call him “James” for over a year and best friends with his sister (although she and the family do not talk to him because they hate his ex and what he has been doing with his life). We have a lot of times crossed over the friend line and have always felt attracted to each other physically as well as attracted to each other emotionally and share everything with each other. For many reason we never were fully a couple (mostly I couldn’t commit because of family issues and many times he did ask for us to be together). But we pretty much talked every day and would text each other each morning to say hi and have a great day. Well he told me this past weekend about the fact his “ex” of which they have not been together for close to 3 years came to him and asked him to give things another chance between them (she is pregnant with another mans baby and the man wants nothing to do with her or the baby and so she has come back to james). He was confused but said when he kids heard they were so happy and he didn’t want them to hate him if he didn’t give it one last chance. To be honest with you I am happy for him because I know he has been lonely without someone in his life since I have not been able to be the person for him in the full sense.
Anyway after he told me this I didn’t contact him (this was on a Saturday) I sent him an email Tuesday evening and just told him I wish him the best and that he has been such a special person in my life but that I do not want to come in between this chance he has. He called me the next day and we talked – here is what he said to me…how would you take this?
He said “we can still be friends its not like I am going to say okay goodbye Lucy. Of course we can still talk once in a while and we can still text if you want, I mean not loving names like we have before which kind of sucks because I still have feelings for you, not like I can just wipe those away. I don’t have my hopes up when it comes to the relationship with my ex because she has hurt me so much in the past but when I told my boys and to see how happy they were and crying it made me feel so happy inside to see them feel such happiness and to be honest I mean yes my ex was my wife and I do care about her but I mean it’s more than anything about my kids and the guilt i feel” at the beginning when we first got on the phone I said something silly and he said “you are so funny I love you” but like cut off the I love you like he caught himself and didn’t finish like he couldn’t say that anymore…..
I have to say I totally respect him for trying to make things work and be a family I think when you can keep your family together it’s really the best thing for everyone. But it’s so hard for me to have been close to someone for so long and then just all the sudden bam my fear of him getting back with his ex and leaving me behind have come true. How would you take what he said to me is he just being kind and letting me down easy or do you believe he has feelings or that he doesn’t really care if I am still in his life at all? Please don’t think I am trying to be some home-wrecking girl because I am not when we meet he was single and I always knew getting involved with someone with a past could end in hurt but it’s hard for me to sort all my feelings and realize that things are going to change big time and that I know I have to respect that. I am trying to be strong and know that family is first but I am in pain…does he really care or did he ever really love me?
He cares about you but has not lost feelings for his ex. Unfortunately that is going to end in disaster for him. He clearly does not learn from past mistakes. I hope that while he is giving this another go, that you meet someone who has his head together.
His relationship with his ex-wife is going to fail again…and it isn’t going to be her fault. The reason will be related to the choice he is making regarding you. He may have told you that you can remain friends and continue to text blah, blah, blah. She will not handle that well. If your relationship with him has run that deep, it will either have to end completely or he is doomed to failure. If he’s only doing it for his children, that will also doom the situation to failure. Marriages that are held together with children and bubble gum don’t succeed. Either he loves her and wants to make it work with her, or it will fail. And he will break the children’s hearts again when it does. If his heart isn’t in it, he would be better to have a conversation with the boys stating that some families simply live apart in this manner. Its hard on children because they are the center of the universe. There is no good answer. Living together miserable isn’t healthy for the children though. Living seperate and happy is a better situation, though perhaps not ideal.
How should you take it…you’re the girl on the side now. Do you want to be that girl? Expect some angry phone calls/emails/texts from the ex telling you to back out of the relationship with her man. Think about your choice carefully.
IMHO he is very interested in you, but feels a duty to his kids to be with her. But I think you already knew that and just wanted some vindication.
I know it seems sweet, and he is trying to do the best thing for his kids, but I think it is stupid for him to go back to his ex. They broke up/got divorced for a reason. Kids always want their parents back together, but they want to eat sugar all day too. Having parents always fighting is not better than having two parents living separately.
Your relationship with this guy was “haunted” by his relationship with his ex. He obviously never really let go of her, or maybe it was his children, it doesn’t matter. Here’s what you are going to do; you are going to distance yourself from this guy, you are going to help him live up to the responsibility he assumed when he chose to bring children into this world. You are not going to be his escape hatch if he and his ex don’t always get along. Maybe they need counseling, maybe they need to divorce, but you need to be long gone while they are making these decisions. Honey, life isn’t always easy, and I am sure you are in pain, but not as much pain as you will be in if you are in-the-background while he tries to make his marriage work. And his marriage may not work out. But the biggest gd issue in his life is his children and being a part of raising them, both financially and emotionally. He better man-up as far as his children go, and you’re going to have to (sadly, but PERMANENTLY) get out of his life so he can. Trust me, it’s better for him, better for you, and the right thing to do. You WILL find happiness, when it’s right.
Well the sad thing is that he’s probably asked himself a similar question about you ever since you’ve become close…er. I believe he probably loves you. But it’s hard to tell since I don’t know him…he could just be desperate. One thing he definitely has going for him is his care for his family. He’s right, it’s ALL about the family. He’s been a single parent you know. So he’s looking for someone who can be there with him through it all…not just some friends with benefits crap. He needs someone stable who he can rely on for support. And if you’re unable to step up and be that for him then I don’t blame him at all for trying to move on. (I don’t think his choice of going back to that b**** is appropriate though) I can tell you aren’t meaning to, but you’re pretty much stringing him along…so I think you should take some time and figure out your feelings for him…for real. And then once that’s settled, you should tell him. No matter what. And if it’s too late, then it’s too late. At least you tried. Some advice though, don’t be one of those people to realize what they really want when it’s too late because they were too busy running away from it. Good luck
Honestly I think your situation is a little complicated because like you said, you were never truly a couple. I can understand how your feelings are still hurt and to be honest with you (and I’m sorry if this hurts) I don’t think he was ever really over his ex which is why he is willing to go back and try to make things work. If he truly wasn’t interested in her then it wouldn’t have mattered how much his kids insisted (believe me, I saw that with my parents when they separated and no matter what we said, they’re still not together). I think that he may have had feelings for you but you have to be careful because if his ex was his wife then he could have been trying to just fill in her spot with you. It’s really hard to say.
My best advice for you though would be to try and stop any communication with him. I know that it’s hard and being friends seems comforting but over time you’re going to end up getting hurt again. Whether he says he is happy (which I’m sure you’ll be happy for him, but it’ll still hurt) or if he says he is miserable (which will make you feel bad for him, and he could be saying that on purpose to get that response from you). From a past personal experience I would recommend you do that for yourself. You can always find someone else who will fill your heart more than you can ever imagine and even though it is tough for you to see right now, you will be able to look back at this and not hurt.
Best of luck to you!!