Mama E answers:

Marriage is a lifestyle that can only be lived through the experience of marriage. It is nice to read your words of inquiry about how to make it better. I’ll start with the simplest part….. It takes the full commitment of both partners. But I am not referring to the commitment most people think about.

The important commitment both of you must make is to the marriage. After all, you have made the commitment to each other to love and honor until death parts you from one another. That is a rare type of contract to commit to these days when very public transgressions are blasted over the TV and tabloids. While your transgressions will most likely not make the evening news, the burden of guilt can grow into what feels like a 50 pound tumor on your shoulders.

There appears to be a class of people who delight in “running interference” by purposely trying to date married men or married women. And if either of you is in a powerful or high paid position, this type of person will stalk you like a hungry lion….or lioness.

Understand, their attraction is a blood lust, and nothing more. Do not sacrifice the love that will last a lifetime for a fling that will sting the highly valued life out of you and the love of your life.

Making a commitment to your marriage means lots of things. Most importantly you cannot allow anything or anyone to intrude into your relationship. And the list of potential intruders is long:
1. Inlaws
2. Money worries, disagreements, “must have” purchases(like that 57th pair of shoes that just went on sale at Macys … or that bass boat and motor that hasn’t been on sale for more than 10 years), girlfriends, guyfriends, and buddies (male and female friends you both have since grade school).
3. Decisions about who will take days off to handle emergencies. (It is not uncommon for the male in the relationship to earn more, thereby, asking the female to sacrifice a day from her time bank because his job is “more important or his boss won’t understand or any of a dozen other lame reasons)
4. His mom, Your mom. Even though they almost never truly want to drive a wedge between married lovers, moms are notoriously bad actors when it comes to intruding into relationships. Please have this talk, regardless of whether or not you both think you can live with their intrusion.

In all of the above examples it is important for you both to manage the intruders for whom you are responsible and you’ll definitely need to Set Limits.

If my 30 some years of marriage has taught me anything that will definitely help you enjoy a thriving marriage into the ages, it is this: Don’t feel you have to “work on your marriage” to make it stronger. Shift your focus to working on …. and enjoying your Friendship. My spouse and I are best friends and love every moment we spend together….and try to find ways of spending even more time together.

It’s not as sappy or as corny as it sounds, and it’s not forced or scheduled. We love each other and we like each other a lot. Naturally no two people are going to like the same things. He likes action-adventure movies and lots of blood and gore. I like what are referred to as “chick flicks” ….and he is tolerant of them. Our agreement is balance. I watch a blood and gore screen fest and he watches Sex In The City 2 and Karate Kid II (go figure)…

I’ll close it out this way. Love and honor each other and do everything you can to make your friendship with each other more solid. Arguing is OK as long as it is not violent and as long as it is not about money, politics, race, sexual orientation (others that is) or religion. Debates about such topics serve no useful purpose in a marriage.

Even after 30 years you’ll find you both will have better, and more interesting things to talk about.

Be Blessed,

Mama E answers:

Well you both have a lot going on in your lives right now. And at any age, but especially when you’re young, these choices and decisions are not easy.

But you seem to be making decisions from the perspective of what’s best for him and… “how do I handle this in a way that he won’t feel I’m not being fair.”

This is a potential “tipping point” for your relationship. What this means is the next decisions either of you makes about how your relationship is going to move forward, could mean the end of the relationship. And his idea of the two of you taking a break so you’ll know whether or not you’re missing out on something is a sure sign that his feelings are in a totally different zip code than yours.

It does appear it is time for you to honor and respect your hunches and inner voices that are actually revealing the truth of the issue to you. He is ready to move on.

Maybe it’s because he is too emotionally young to be in a serious and committed relationship at this age. And realistically, maybe this is the truth of your situation as well.

My advice, take some time to gain a perspective from a distance away from the relationship. It seems at this point you don’t have another option.

Time will tell if his maturity picks up speed …. or not. And for you…you need to value yourself and your feelings and your self-worth at a much higher level.

Real love honors and respects both relationship partners. It’s not a state where you both live without realizing that each of you must make sacrifices for the relationship. That’s how relationships grow.

Be blessed…

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Mama E answers:

Well you ask a very good question, and one not often asked. From my perspective the answer opens many doors.

What I mean, is many times the reason people speak disparagingly about young married couples is due to jealousy. Other times it could be simple lust, that is the lust for something special that is missing from the complaining person’s life.

We may as well face the truth. Most people long for and can actually crave love. Love shares many things in common with an addictive love. Money and power cannot buy love, however, money and power are very attractive to those who crave love. This is why scores of “groupies” follow after high profile people. They act like moths drawn to…and ultimately into the light.

Being young and even marrying young is the best of both worlds, when proper planning and knowledge are part of the process.

As with most things in life, wisdom and knowledge add to the overall value of the important things we experience…and marriage is at the top of the list for human beings. It’s one of the most natural longings we can experience.

Be blessed…

Mama E answers:

You both have lots on your lists of things to consider and discuss before making a final decision about when to marry. Here’s my best advice on a few additional things for both of you to think about.

1. Three years will pass more quickly than you realize which could make a case for you to marry as soon as you can make the arrangements. However,

2. If you are not planning to have children until you complete your studies, waiting may be the better decision. It goes without saying that beginning a family is a mixed blessing, depending on your goals and how you want to plan for the rich and wonderful life that is ahead for you.

Starting a family now would definitely interrupt your plans and at this point in time, challenge your stress thresholds to dramatic levels.

Waiting, while having its own stresses, feels like the best option. Completing your education and then deciding on your short and long term family plans, just makes sense.

Be blessed…

Mama E answers:

Your message reads like you know the answer and want a confirmation as to your correctness.

It appears you did not have a committed relationship with this man…or did he break his commitment to you? In any case, it is very likely he will repeat the previous pattern. And even if he returns, he will break away again….and again…and again.

Your man has unresolved issues with being a head of household and this has nothing to do with financial support. His level of sensitivity to your son should be more human to human. The fact that he would be a step father is not an issue that he would be expected to walk away from so easily. He is not thinking of the negative impact this is having on your son. He appears to be totally focused on his own feelings, as though that is the most important focus for him to have.

Your man is apparently oblivious to the fact that he is part of a family and can’t just decide to walk away and then return at a later date to resume his role as though this is acceptable adult behavior.

If you have not done so already, please consider counseling for both of you. And if he doesn’t want to get help, close the door and change the locks. He is not who you think he is… Think about it….

Men treasure their sons and feel a loss when they are not able to be the father they want deeply to become. The fact they are not the natural father does little to diminish the feeling of fatherhood between a man and a son.

It is time to get serious about how you value yourself and your son. At this point in time this man is behaving like an intruder into your family. An outsider.

If you allow him to come back into your home without addressing his issues, they will only continue to become stronger and possibly trigger additional symptoms that cause him, and you and your son, more disappointing experiences.

Be blessed…