It is alas natural sometimes, that we experience break-ups in our relationships.  They happen for a number of reasons.  Whatever the reason might be, we must learn to take time to evaluate they things happened the way they did and what we can learn from such an experience.  If not, we just lost a wonderful opportunity to gain wisdom.

Sometimes, when our relationships break down, we tend defend ourselves and think that it was our partner’s fault.  We let go of that someone we hold special and dear in our hearts only to realize at a later part that we did something wrong: we let our special someone go.  But alas, it is already too late.  He or she has already gone her way and moved on leaving us to wonder what might have been.

Winning back love is a very challenging task!  It can be daunting, most especially if we are the one at fault and are the reason of the breakdown.  Since we realized that we need our former partner back in our life, we do the best we can to win her or him back.  To win back love, one must make necessary sacrifices to show to our former partner that we are indeed sincere in our efforts.  It’s not easy but it can be done, and many have been successful in winning back their precious someone!  Isn’t that a great story?  I think it’s amazing! Ah, love. One minute it tramples you to the ground, then it exalts you the next.

So the question remains, do you still love your ex?  Do you want him or her back?  If you answer yes to these questions, then prepare yourself to do what it takes to win back their love.

Once you have decided to win back your former love, you better do the following:

• Don’t be embarrassed to admit the fact that you still love your ex.  Admitting and being honest is the first step towards accomplishing your goal.  How can you win him or her back if you don’t admit you still love him or her?
• Figure out why you broke up. Figuring out the specific reasons of the break-up can significantly increase your chances of success.  The good thing about this is you can now determine where you have gone wrong and then make the necessary changes.
• Determine whether you are still friends with your ex.  If not, extend efforts to re-establish your friendship and line of communication.  Obviously, it would be easier if you are still friends with your ex after the break-up.
• Determine if your ex has found someone else.  This is hardest part if your ex has already found someone else.  Feelings of regret would come rushing into you.  In this scenario, it could go any way.  Either he or she would want to get back to you or he or she would want to give their new relationships a try.  What you can do is to remind him or her the good times you had, and if your ex is still thinking about you even though he or she is already with someone else, chances are your ex will get back to you.

First of all, let’s picture out what an ideal communication setting is.

Communication is two way.  It is an exchange of ideas between two or more persons.  It is an exchange of thoughts and feelings between the sender and the receiver.  It is done in such a manner that the tone of the voice is calm, collected, respectful and considerate.

Since we are focusing on relationship communication, let us study how proper communication skills can positively impact a particular relationship.  We are all a part of a relationship.  This relationship could be father-son, father-daughter, mother-daughter, brother-sister, apprentice-boss, employee-employer and the list continues.  The quality of the relationship we are in depends highly on how we communicate one with another.  Without communication, the foundation of such a relationship can never be established.  Just think, can you get something done just by staring at each other?

Effective communication at all levels of relationship is done in a simple manner.  It doesn’t require that you dominate the conversation.  It is not a competition.  Rather, it is a way of exchanging thoughts and ideas that lead to understanding.  If understanding is not achieved, then it is a sure sign that there must be something wrong on the way we express our thoughts.  Adjustment is necessary.  Again, adjusting your voice, your perceptions and your biases is not losing.  If we think so, we should change such a mentality.  You will know that how you are communicating is effective when the person you are talking to understands you and you understand him.

Some helpful tips on communication:

• Say what you mean.  Don’t beat around the bush because for some, it is annoying.
• Be honest.  Say what you truly feel and think but do it in a manner that you are not overbearing.
• Listen.  Listen to what he or she means, not just the words he or she is saying.
• Restate.  Restate what you think he or she meant and seek clarification whether you got what he or she meant.
• Focus on the topic at hand.  Nothing is more baffling than to talk to somebody only to find out that what he or she is saying next is entirely out of the topic you are currently discussing.
• Be patient.  Things take some time to develop.  Don’t think for example, that if you are a fast talker and can quickly understand others, they have the same ability too.  Adapt your skills to the person you are talking to.

As stated earlier, relationship communication is accomplished in two ways.  Both parties should make a conscious effort to improve the quality of their communication.  It takes time and effort but it is all worth it.  Remember, the essence of effective communication is to understand and to be understood.  It is not competing, authoritative and degenerative.  Learn to use words that uplift, convey honor and respect.  For sure, you will appreciate it if such is done to you too.

There are many views and perspectives towards relationships.  This is what we call Relationship Psychology.  To better understand relationship psychology, let us simplify and break down a relationship into three parts: first part – relationship formation; second part – relationship endurance; third part – coping with failed relationships.

For the first part, relationships form when there is interpersonal attraction.  We view this as a stage where we get to know the person who we are attracted to.  Basically, this is the time when we “gather” information about them and evaluate whether their preferences are compatible to ours.  This is a very exciting part!  We feel excited all the time, we feel excited and we look forward to spend time with that person.  The more we learn about the person, the more it influences our decision whether to deepen our relationship with that person or not.  Sometimes, we take farther and sometimes we don’t.  Reasons why we do so are so varied.

When we choose to take farther the relationship we have established, we now shift our focus to keeping the relationship strong and ongoing.  At this point, we are now very comfortable being with the person we chose to be with.  Deep personal and intimate details about ourselves may be given and discussed.  Generally, this is viewed as the phase where the partners become more serious about what they feel towards each other.  The psychology at this stage of a relationship is that since the partners have become more serious towards each other, a certain sense of loyalty and responsibility develops.  Partners tend to be more responsible.  They avoid doing something that might offend the other which would in turn be the cause of conflict.

Psychology also tells a partner that he or she should be loyal to his or her partner.  Flirting with others is now prohibited.  Association to the opposite sex is now limited because of the apprehension that their partner might be jealous.  Jealousy is a common cause of break-ups.  Since the partner does not want to part with his or her partner, he or she does the best way possible to avoid such a scenario.  It is embedded in our minds that break-ups tend to cause emotional pain, which is rightfully so, that’s why partners do the best they can to preserve their relationship.

At some point, misunderstandings and disagreements arise.  They may even come to a point that such conflicts become unbearable to the parties involved.  This is oftentimes the situation that will lead the relationship into disarray.  Psychology of relationships tells us that at this stage, the partners now realize that it is pointless to continue on with the relationship.  Reasons could include love and affection has diminished, finding the other partner to be at fault and simply that they find no more enjoyment and excitement at the thought of being together.  This is now what we call relationship dissolution.  After a relationship dissolves, partners find ways to cope with such development.  They do this by forming another relationship, turning their time to other activities or some just stop forming relationships until such time that they feel ready to do so.

Marriage guidance plays a very crucial role in married life.  The presence of sound marriage guidance will result in a happy and fulfilling marriage.  Its absence will bring the opposite effect.  There are more marriage breakdowns now compared to 20 to 30 years ago.  And, the trends say it is increasing.

What normally happens is that newly married couples are so much in love with each other that everything is wonderful at the start of their marriage.  Then, as the years go by, the level of love and affection seems to diminish and things take a different turn.  Passiveness, competition and a false sense of security may settle in and form a high wall between partners.  As a result, communication breaks down, and what was once a happy and fulfilling marriage now becomes a nightmare, a situation so difficult that each partner wishes he or she had not gotten into it in the first place and wants out.

When does marriage guidance come in?  Is it only to be utilized when the couple is already screaming at each other at the top of their lungs?  Does it come in handy or needed only during bad times?  What about good times, is it not needed as much?  How about, shortly after the wedding day?  Would it be the best time to give guidance and advice?  Should we seek advice only when we are in need of it or is it helpful to seek it even if things are going well?

When in need of sound marriage guidance and advice, it is wise to turn to people who have our best interest in their mind.  These would be, first and foremost our parents, our grandparents, family members and very trusted friends.  It is not wise to seek advice from people we just met at bars or restaurants.  Secondly, we can seek professional help.  We can also learn from other people’s experiences, whether they are uplifting or not.  After all, experience is the best teacher as they say.  We should also remember that marriage needs work.  It is to be nourished and nurtured and built upon day after day.

If we think that marriage is only the wedding day, then we are gravely mistaken.  Lastly, couples should learn to admit that they need help if they need help.  We must remember that our worst enemy is ourselves.  Denying so would only compound the problem.

Personally, marriage guidance is best given in the homes even when the children are still young, where the father and mother are diligently working to show good example to their children.  The parent’s example plays a crucial role in molding the child’s perception of what marriage is at an early age.  The parents should teach what marriage is and what its purpose is and why men and women get married in the first place.  Instilling what is right in the minds of the children regarding marriage will help that child find the right motivations about getting married when he or she becomes an adult.

Relationship strategies consist of, or can be broken down into two components: relationships and strategies.  Let’s take a look at relationships first!

1/ Relationships can only exist if there are two parties involved.  There’s no such thing as a  “singular” relationship. There has to be at least two persons in the relationship.  These two persons have to have something in which both of them are in agreement with.  Otherwise, they would not bother to correspond / talk / share with each other.  Whatever it is that they are in agreement on, it’s entirely up to them for the relationship to work.

2/ Strategies

A course or courses of action designed to achieve a specific objective or purpose.  Strategies are very important. They are essential ingredients in one’s journey to success.  No matter how good or noble an objective might be, it would be very difficult, if not impossible to achieve without strategies.  Think of it this way.  Without relationship strategies, it would be like driving your car without even knowing where to go and why you are driving it in the first place.  Doesn’t make sense at all, does it?

Let’s focus our attention to relationship strategies then, specifically relationships between couples who found love and decided to be together, to love each other, and to nourish and nurture the love that binds them together.

One of the first things they should look into is to determine the purpose why they are together.  Each relationship strategy they formulate should adhere and point to the purpose they established in the first place.  Then, as they go along, they determine what to do and what not do as they work together to achieve their purpose.  It is wise to keep the objectives simple and clear so that the strategies would be clearly defined as well.

It is pointless and inconsistent if the strategy does not point to the objective.  If the strategy is not followed, what was done and the result thereof will still be pointless and inconsistent.  Therefore, couples should make a conscious effort to carefully study what their objectives must be as well as the relationship strategies that lead to their achievement.

Examples of relationship strategies are: To take time to look at the mirror together and look at your partner, not yourself; during arguments, the couple can either sort it before they go to sleep or right after they wake up when their minds are at its calmest state; make anniversaries of special and intimate moments even if they seem tiny and simple; always remember to be grateful for the little gestures of affection your partner does for you; learn what and what not to do and say to make your partner mad; love your partner a little bit more than they love you, so on and so forth.

Formulating relationship strategies comes easy if the couples are serious about what they are doing and strongly believe that they are there for the long haul.  If not, they would not find purpose in formulating them.  The thing to remember is to determine what the objectives are and then formulate relationship strategies that will lead to their achievement.